Lo Douleur Exquise
by heartlines
Summary: Its the iCarly crew's senior year at Ridgeway. Melanie pays a visit that stirs things up between Sam and Freddie.
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue**

_THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN A BOY WHO HATES YOU_

_ A boy who loves you._

Sam thought that it had been a particularly evil brand of torture when she found herself falling for her enemy turned co-worker turned best friend. It had happened so gradually, a series of moments that piled one on top of the other until she couldn't deny it anymore. She, Sam Puckett wanted Freddie Benson. The boy she had used as her physical and emotional punching bag, the boy she had crowned Queen of the Nubs, her first kiss, her unexpected confidant and sometimes partner-in-crime. It was a bone deep longing that she felt for him, something that she never would have thought herself capable of feeling. And so she had made a move, or she tried to. She made an effort to be nicer to him, offering to help on his project, grabbing at any excuse to spend time with him and using Brad as a convenient buffer. But that had backfired when their Mood App worked a little too well and Carly and Freddie made the assumption that she was in love with Brad.

She had a plan. She was going to be nice to him, she was going to spend time with him without Carly, she was going to show him that she had grown up, she could be more than the bully that constantly picked on him. But of course, Sam never had the patience to completely follow through on plans. Instead, she impulsively kissed him in the heat of the moment and then ran away and sought refuge in a mental hospital.

But of course he couldn't leave well enough alone. She had given him an out when they had talked in her room at Troubled Waters. She'd told him that she liked him but didn't want to be his stupid little girlfriend (translation: "I know you don't want me"). She thought that they could just pretend it never happened and go back to how it was before, that was why she had agreed to leave. But no, Freddie Benson had to be the most stubborn, strong willed, annoying, unpredictable, and completely wonderful boy on Earth. He just had to kiss her in front of millions of iCarly viewers right when she was fully expecting him to mock her for her unreturned feelings. It felt like every single carefully built defense that she had put up over the years had gotten knocked down with that kiss.

Sam had spent two years denying her feelings, bottling them up, wrestling them with all the strength she had. In some of her weakest moments, she would imagine what it would be like if Freddie returned her feelings. But it would never last long, she'd always put a stop to her daydreams almost as soon as they had begun because she knew it was impossible. Even when she had put her plan into action, she'd done it knowing full well that she'd get rejected at the end of it. She thought that maybe if she knew for sure, if she could hear it from his lips, that she had no chance of ever being with him then she could move on. It would break her heart and hurt her pride more than a little bit, but it had to be better than never knowing and always wondering 'what if?'

But no, instead he had to kiss her and date her and make her fall even more in love with him and then break up with her and tell her that he loves her in the same breath.

And now Sam was living in a whole new level of hell. One where she knew exactly what it felt like to be held in Freddie's arms, to have him whisper in her ear in that ridiculously sexy voice, to have him kiss her and look at her like she was beautiful. She thought that crushing on him was bad, but this longing for what she once had was worse. Who would have thought that having Freddie Benson love her would feel worse than having him hate her?

It was a punishment of the highest order, or karma coming back to bite her in the ass. And yeah, maybe she did deserve it, for all the mean things she's done, the pranks she's pulled, the people she had hurt. It didn't mean she didn't reserve the right to complain about it all.

But Sam Puckett had a plan and this time she was going to stick to it. Tomorrow was the first day of school and the start of senior year. Freddie Benson was going to be hers again before senior prom.

* * *

><p>AN: Hey look, my first multi-chapter fic in this fandom. We'll see how it goes. The quote at the top is from The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. I saw it floating around on Tumblr and I just had to use it, even though this story in no way resembles the plot of The Book Thief. If you've read it, hopefully you're relieved by that lol. It's an amazing book, it's just very sad. Anyways, I also took the title of this from something I saw on Tumblr and that will be explained a little later on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter One**

Lo Douleur Exquise (n); _French_

The excruciating pain experienced when

wanting someone you cannot have.

"_Sam, can I ask you something?"_

"_Mmhmm…" She murmured, not opening her eyes, content to be in his arms._

"_Why did you really ruin my application?"_

_She stiffened. After Gibby's "serenade", she and Freddie had gone to the fire escape to be alone. It had become their regular retreat from the world after they had started dating. They had made out for awhile, Sam trying to show him without words how sorry she was and by his breathlessness and the dazed look in his eyes afterwards, it seemed she had succeeded. Now they were just sitting, Freddie on his lawn chair with Sam in his lap, content to be silent in each other's presence. Or so she had thought._

"_I need to know the truth, Sam," he said. "And I need to hear it from you."_

_Her instinct was to bolt. She didn't do well with emotional confrontations, they both knew it and that's why she could feel Freddie's arms reflexively tightening around her, keeping her close, knowing that at any moment she could be spooked. _

_But really, it wasn't needed. She knew that she had made a big mistake when she sent in that application, she knew it as soon as she had done it. Carly had made a valiant effort but she could only go so far in cleaning up Sam's mess. The rest was up to her._

"_I didn't want you to leave," she said quietly. The truth spilling out unguardedly from her lips._

_Freddie's arms loosened around her as he reached out a hand to cup her cheek, turning her head to face him._

"_Why didn't you just tell me?"_

_Sam stood up suddenly. "And what would I have said? 'Hey, Freddie, I don't want you to go to your stupid N.E.R.D. camp because I'm secretly in love with you and I don't want to go two months without seeing your nubby face?"_

"_That…would have been a shock. But-"_

"_I know that it's the most selfish, meanest thing I've ever done," she cut him off. "I know, alright? It was low even for me. I knew it as soon as I'd done it. But I couldn't take it back. I'm sorry."_

_She turned away from him, her hands gripping the railing tightly. She looked down below her at the lights coming from the tiny cars driving through the street. She could hear the squeak of the chair as Freddie stood up. He wrapped his arms around her waist, her back pressing up against his chest, so solid and firm behind her, just like his presence in her life has always been. How could she begin to explain how much that means to her? That she relies on him as much as she does Carly?_

"_I know you are," he said into her shoulder._

"_When Melanie first left it was only supposed to be for the summer," her voice cracked but she had to keep going, she had to tell him this. "She had gotten into this brainy summer camp program. She impressed some people there and they offered her a place in an all girls boarding school, full scholarship. She came home for a week, packed up her stuff and she was gone."_

_Freddie didn't say anything. There was nothing he could say. Sam's fears were deep seated and they led her to do irrational, selfish things. She knew that._

_He simply held her and forgave her with all of his being. _

* * *

><p>To say that Sam was having a bad start to her day would be putting it lightly. First, she had woken up late after dreaming about what had happened after the whole N.E.R.D. Camp debacle. Something that had been happening more and more lately, her dreaming about important moments in her relationship with Freddie. As if her waking life wasn't a misery enough, her subconscious decided that it needed to torture her even further. And then, when she had finally dragged herself out of bed, she had discovered that Fluffy had peed on her favorite striped socks. The socks that she always wore on the first day of school. The demon cat knew what it had done too because Sam had spent about twenty minutes searching for her around the house to no results. After giving up the search, she had looked into the fridge and saw that her mom had eaten the last of her bacon.<p>

And so she stumbled into Ridgeway, late, cranky, hungry, and wearing plain boring socks. One look at her and the entire freshman class will be wetting their pants and stuffing themselves into their lockers just to hide from her.

Carly looked at her sympathetically as Sam walked past her to her locker without so much as a "hello".

"Bad morning?" Carly asked.

"The worst," Sam said.

"Hola chicas," Freddie greeted he walked up to them.

"You don't have a drop of Hispanic blood in you! Can you cut it out with the random Spanish?" Sam yelled in frustration, slamming her locker door shut for emphasis.

Freddie and Carly both looked at her in surprise and then Freddie's brows creased in anger.

"What did I do now?" He demanded.

"Showed your stupid nubby face!" Sam picked up her backpack and walked past him, making sure to bump his shoulder hard as she did so.

"Don't take it personally, she's just having a bad morning." She heard Carly say as she walked away.

"And of course she takes it out on me!"

The rest of the conversation drifted away as Sam walked towards her first period classroom. A skinny freshman saw her coming and literally dropped down to the ground and crawled to hide behind a girl's leg.

On any other day that would have given Sam some satisfaction but at the moment she was in too bad of a mood to even think about torturing other people.

* * *

><p>As luck would have it, Sam shared first period with Freddie. Something she didn't know until he walked into the classroom. She realized that the three of them didn't get to do their first day of school ritual of comparing schedules, though she was sure that Freddie and Carly probably did, and now Sam didn't know how many times a day she'd have to endure sitting in a classroom with him.<p>

Freddie saw her and walked to the back of the classroom, where she was sitting. But instead of sitting beside her like she expected he simply walked behind her, dropped a paper bag onto her desk and kept walking, taking a seat in the front row and not looking back at her.

Sam opened the bag, pulling out the contents one by one. A plastic bag of crunchy bacon, two fatcakes, a ham sandwich, two cans of peppy cola. And at the very bottom was a folded piece of paper, she opened it up and read:

_I know today is your least favorite day of the year. But look on the bright side, this will be our last first day at Ridgeway ever. Here's breakfast and lunch to get you through the day._

She looked up at the back of Freddie's head, feeling an anger rising up in her chest. How dare he do this…this unbelievably sweet thing for her? He wasn't her boyfriend anymore, he shouldn't be this nice to her!

She slumped down into her seat and opened the bag of bacon, her stomach grumbling at the scent of it. She silently willed Freddie to turn around and look at her as she munched on the wonderful meat but he didn't. He stared studiously ahead as Mr. Buttburn came in and took roll. Buttburn looked at Sam eating and sighed but decided wisely not to say anything and kept calling out names.

She took out her Pearphone and texted: _Thanks nub._

She saw him take out his phone, read the text and then stuff his phone back into his pocket. She sighed. Okay, so he was mad at her.

She started to text him again but stopped when her phone started to vibrate with an incoming call.

The name 'Melanie' flashed across the screen. Great, like her day couldn't get any worse.

Sam was tempted to press ignore but knew that Melanie would just keep calling throughout the day, unable to take a hint. So she stood up and walked out, telling Buttburn that she had to pee as she strode right past him.

"What Mel?" She said as soon as she was in the hallway.

"Hello to you too, Sam," Melanie giggled.

"So what's the news?"

"News?" She asked innocently. A little too innocently, which immediately confirmed Sam's suspicion.

"You never call unless you have some big news," she said. The last phone call that she and her mom had gotten was Melanie excitedly telling them that she was going to be Valedictorian.

"Okay, you pulled my leg. Guess what school I got into!"

"A big, fancy one?"

"Stanford!" She squealed.

"Great. Congratulations, Mel. If that's all…"

"I'm going to California next week to visit the campus but first I wanted to stop by over there and see my favorite sister!"

"You don't have to do that…"

"I'll be there in two days. Can you tell mom? She's not answering her phone."

"Mom's in Canada."

"Boyfriend?"

"Yep."

"Is he gross?"

"Aren't they all?"

"Well, the two of us can have some sister bonding time then!"

"Gree-aat…" Sam muttered unenthusiastically.

"Okay, I'll see you. Bye, love you!" She said and hung up.

Sam looked down at her phone and barely resisted the urge to scream. She couldn't handle this right now, she had to get out of there.

She made a run for it, down the empty halls of Ridgeway, out the front doors, and onto the pavement. Maybe if she ran fast enough she'd be able to outrun the disaster that she knew was heading in her direction.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Two**

"Melanie is coming," Sam said as she sprawled out on Carly's ice cream sandwich seat, her head and limbs hanging off the edges.

"That's great! It's been over two years since we've seen her."

Sam groaned. "I don't wanna see her."

Carly turned her chair to face Sam, leaving behind the homework she was working on at her desk for a moment. Even from upside down Sam could make out what she liked to call Carly's 'Mom' face. It's that look Carly turns on her when she does or says something that she thinks merits a reprimand. She finds it funny that she's gotten the 'Mom' face about a thousand times more from her best friend than she ever has from her actual mom. Her mom usually gives her the 'I'm too hung over to care' or 'Don't bother me when I'm about to get some' face.

"Sam, she's your sister."

"I still say she's adopted."

Carly's lips twitched. "That's almost as bad as your Gibby is a mermaid theory. She looks exactly like you."

"She does not! I have a little mole right here," she pointed behind her left ear. "And she doesn't."

"Oh wow! Now you two will look totally different to me."

"Don't give me lip, Shay!"

"I won't if you promise to be nice to your sister."

Sam groaned again. She turned over on the seat and buried her face in the soft cushion and kicked out her arms and legs.

"What's her problem?" She heard a voice say in the midst of her tantrum. A voice that she would know anywhere.

"She's upset because-"

Sam abruptly sat up. "Because I got a D on my Bio test! Not that it's any of your business, nub."

Freddie raised an eyebrow at her. "Since when do you care about your grades?"

"Since now. Got a problem with that?"

"Sam…" Carly tried to cut in but Freddie just sat down on the couch.

"I can help you," he said.

"What?"

"If you want to improve your Science grades, I can help you."

Sam narrowed her eyes at him but Freddie went on before she could come out with a cutting put down.

"Look, it's our senior year, after three years of using your textbook for nothing but a pillow, you have a lot to catch up on. I know you're going to insult me but before you refuse, just know that there's no one else who can help you get through this better than I can."

"I think it's a great idea!" Carly said.

Sam looked at her and Carly gave her an encouraging look.

She turned back to Freddie. "What's in it for you?"

He shrugged. "We may actually get you on the graduation stage at the end of the year," he said lightly, but Sam knew the look on his face. He wasn't offering to tutor her out of the goodness of his heart, he wanted something from her but his eyes said "Later".

She didn't really do so bad on her Bio test. She got a C, which she considered an achievement since she slept through that class and hurriedly read her textbook the night before the exam. But between Carly's puppy dog eyes and Freddie's annoying smug face, she knew she was in for it now.

"Fine," she said. "But I don't study on an empty stomach so you better keep me fed, Benson, unless you want your arm chewed off."

"Yay!" Carly stood up from her chair and came over to sit beside Freddie. "Now can we tell him-"

"Carly!" Sam practically yelled.

Freddie looked between the two of them.

"Tell me what?"

"Sam, he's going to find out."

"Not if you keep your trap shut!"

"Okay, seriously guys, what's going on?"

Sam stood up and grabbed Freddie's hand, pulling him up and tugging him behind her. "Come on, we should start that tutoring thing now."

"Sam!" Carly called as she dragged Freddie forcibly to the door.

"Bye Shay!"

They made it to the landing before Freddie stopped following behind her and pulled her back.

"Sam, I want to know what's going on," he said.

She suddenly became very aware that they were holding hands and hastily pulled her hand out of his.

"Come on," she said and started down the stairs. Freddie followed.

When they got to the first floor they couldn't see Spencer but they could hear him singing from inside his giant twelve foot tall sculpture of a teddy bear. It was commissioned for a six year old girl's birthday party.

"Hey Spence, you okay in there?" Freddie asked.

"Yeah, great! Just making sure the structure is nice and firm inside here."

"Okay, Sam and I are leaving."

"Don't get stuck in there," she added.

"No way! There's a trap door in the bear's butt, wanna see?"

"No!" They both yelled.

"We'll take your word for it," Freddie said.

"Bye Spence," she said and opened the front door.

"What little kid would want that giant bear at her party?" Freddie asked once the door had closed behind him.

"I know, right? It freaks even me out and I love Boogie Bear."

He opened his door and Sam followed him in, automatically taking off her shoes, kicking them to the side of the door.

T-Bo was sitting on the couch, the TV on in front of him, and various foods on sticks spread out on the Benson's coffee table.

"Hey Teebs," Sam greeted, picking up a stick with miniature pot roasts on it.

"What are you doing? Freddie asked, looking simultaneously horrified and amused.

"I'm trying out new stick recipes!" He said. "It's research."

"Really good research," Sam said through a mouth full of roast.

"Whatever, come on Sam." He led her to his room but turned back to yell, "Clean up that mess before my mom comes home!"

"Get Sam out of your room before your mom comes home!" T-Bo shot back.

Sam smirked as she stepped into Freddie's room but the first thing she saw was his bed and it was like a bucket of ice water had been poured down on her. She hadn't been here since they broke up and this room, that bed in particular, held a lot of memories.

Freddie turned to her once he had shut his door. "Now will you tell me what's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Really? Then why did you keep cutting Carly off?"

"Because she was blabbing about stuff that's none of your business."

"Really, Sam? I thought we were friends, I don't get why you're keeping something from me that you've obviously told Carly."

"Maybe it's girl stuff, ever thought about that Benson? Maybe it's my time of the month."

Freddie looked vaguely uncomfortable, his neck turning a light red, which Sam stupidly thought was adorable, but he pressed on. "No, that's not it. Carly wouldn't want to talk about it in front of me if it was and you definitely would."

"Maybe I just don't tell you everything that I tell Carly," Sam countered.

"Like I don't already know that. I just thought that after everything we've been through you'd-"

She really hated when he got into these speeches. She hated that she loved it. The determination in his eyes and his voice, the look on his face that says he's not backing down. She loves it so much that she just has to kiss him, it's a physical impulse that she can't control. She did it once before and she does it again. She grabs him by the shoulders and plants her lips on his.

Unlike the last time, Freddie isn't frozen in shock. Sam feels him tense when she first kisses him but almost immediately he starts kissing back and his arms wrap around her waist, pulling her closer.

God, she had _missed_ this. There never was and never will be anything that felt as good as being encircled in Freddie's arms, his lips on hers, deliciously robbing her of the oxygen she needed to breathe.

When that need for oxygen started to assert itself much too powerfully for them to resist, they broke apart.

Still panting for breath, Freddie looked at her in disbelief. "What was that?"

Sam shrugged and moved to walk past him but he grabbed her arm and pulled her back, placing himself between her and his closed door.

"No, no, you're not running away again."

"Relax Benson, I just wanted you to shut up," she said.

"So you kissed me?" He asked, his voice getting very high pitched.

"Don't make it a thing," she said dismissively, praying that her poker face would hold out until she could finally leave this room. The only upside was that she had definitely distracted him from the Melanie situation.

"I think you just made it a _thing_."

He put his hands on her shoulders and for one wild moment Sam thought he was going to kiss her. But he didn't and it took all of her willpower to stay in place and not kiss him again. Damn him and his stupidly cute face and stupidly kissable lips.

"What's going on, Sam?" He asked gently. "Do you still…Does this mean…What does it mean?"

_It means I miss you, I love you and I can't stop, be with me again._

A thousand words, aching with its unspoken weight on her chest, lying on the tip of her tongue. She swallowed it all, kept it locked up inside of herself as she had become accustomed to doing.

"Nothing," she said. "It means nothing. So don't go reading into it, Fredbag."

His hands dropped from her shoulders and she thought that maybe that was hurt in his eyes but he walked away from her, towards his desk, freeing up her escape route. And before she could do or say anything else stupid Sam opened the door and left.

* * *

><p><em>Carly had walked out with their lasagnas and Sam could see Freddie rolling his eyes as she tried to salvage some of the parmesan off the table. After one last lick, she placed her hands in her lap and waited for the inevitable. He was going to break up with her now, she knew. How could he not? After everything that Carly had said and how much they had been fighting. It's not like she didn't think this relationship was doomed from the start anyway.<em>

_She sat there, waiting for him to speak but he didn't. He wasn't even looking at her, just staring down at the table where his plate had been, his brows creased in concentration like when he was working on a math problem or doing some tricky editing thing on Cutting Room Flow. It was like the table would magically hold the solution to all of their relationship problems. But Sam knew that it didn't and no matter how long he stared, he was only going to come one conclusion. She didn't even know why he had to think about it so hard since Carly had already spelled it out for them._

_After a few more minutes of sitting in silence Sam decided that she couldn't just sit there while he found the words to break her heart. She threw her napkin on the table and without saying a word, left the booth. She raced out to the front doors and only when she was on the sidewalk did she realize that Freddie had driven them there in his mom's car. Both her house and Bushwell were too far away for her to walk it. Carly must have taken a cab home but Sam didn't have any money on her, figuring she wouldn't need it since Freddie would be paying anyway. _

_She cursed herself for her own idiocy and shivered as the chilly Seattle night air hit her. She hadn't brought a coat with her either. _

_She supposed she could call Carly to come and get her but she didn't think her best friend was feeling particularly generously towards her at the moment. And Sam didn't exactly want to face the brunette's recriminations either._

_She was rubbing her hands up and down her arms in an attempt to warm up when she felt a warm weight engulf her shoulders. It was Freddie's jacket and Sam turned around to face Freddie, who was finally looking at her, a soft glint in his eyes._

_Her throat tightened. This was it, he was going to break up with her. She braced herself for the words that were going to come out of his mouth. But it wasn't what she expected._

"_Let's go back inside," he said._

"_No. Just say it, Freddie."_

_He looked confused. "Say what?"_

"_That it's over."_

"_Do you want it to be?" He frowned._

"_Don't you?"_

_He stepped closer to her, right into her personal space, so close that she had to tilt her head up to look into his eyes._

"_No, Sam, I don't want it to be over," he said, his voice taking on that deep tone that made her insides slide around like they had been greased with butter._

"_But Carly said…"_

"_I don't care what Carly said," he growled. "She's not part of this relationship and we were wrong to treat her like she was. Let's go back inside and finish our date. Just you and me."_

_He took her hand and she let him lead her back into the restaurant, too shocked to really comprehend what was happening. He didn't want to break up with her?_

_They got back to the table and Sam was surprised to see that it was no longer empty. Two fresh plates of lasagna had been placed on it in their absence with a full container of parmesan placed in the center._

"_I don't know about you but I'm still hungry," Freddie said as they took their seats again. _

"_You do know that you'll have to pay for five plates of lasagna now," Sam couldn't resist ribbing him._

"_I don't care."_

_She moved to pick up her fork, she was still starving, but Freddie grabbed her hand before she could._

"_Sam, these past two weeks with you have been…well, it's been insane. We've fought about…everything-"_

"_Then why not just break it off, Freddie? I've always suspected you're a little bit masochistic but haven't you had enough? We're a disaster!"_

"_Can't you ever let me finish a sentence?" He smirked. "I was going to say that we fought about everything but that's just how we are, Sam. And I wouldn't change it for anything. Plus the not fighting bits are pretty great and the stuff that comes after the fights…All that stuff that Carly or anyone else doesn't get to see. And the thing is Sam, even when I'm so mad at you or annoyed or exasperated, I'm happy. I know it sounds weird, but all that stuff is temporary and when I get over it, I'm still really happy that you're my girlfriend. Because I like you Sam, a lot."_

"_I guess…You're not so bad," Sam said, acutely aware that her cheeks were burning and her heart was threatening to leap right out of her chest. "You're a pretty cool boyfriend to pay for all this lasagna."_

_Freddie grinned stupidly at her and she felt herself grinning stupidly back._

_His hand left hers and he picked up the parmesan cheese container. Sam watched in shock as he dumped half of the contents onto his lasagna creating a mountain of cheese like she had done earlier. And then he dumped the rest onto her lasagna. He picked up his fork and dug in and all she could do was watch._

_His brows went up in surprise after the first bite. "You're right, this is really good."_

_Sam looked at him, shoveling lasagna into his mouth at a pace that his mother would definitely not approve of, his lips and chin completely covered with parmesan cheese. He paused in his eating and looked up at her._

"_Aren't you going to eat?" he asked through a mouth full of not yet swallowed lasagna and Sam couldn't take it anymore. She got up and went to his side of the booth and kissed him for all she was worth. _

_They both forgot all about eating then. They forgot they were in a public place until their waiter cleared his throat and placed their bill in front of them when they had parted. He curtly asked them to take their 'activities' elsewhere and Sam couldn't help giggling as Freddie turned a bright red. They quickly paid the bill and left the restaurant, lasagna safely tucked into takeout containers. _

_Sam thought that if she hadn't already been head over heels, hopelessly in love with Freddie Benson then that night would have definitely sealed the deal. She had fallen hard and there was no turning back now._


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hi! Sorry I've been slow on updating but I'm Spring Break right now so I hope to keep the updates going this week.

**Chapter Three**

_Sam threw her bag down on the floor and fell onto her bed, feeling so grateful to finally be home. When she first checked in Troubled Waters had been a blessed relief. She could sleep however long she wanted, she had designated recreation time where she could play in the dirt and no one cared, meals were delivered to her room…If it wasn't for the mandatory therapy sessions, it might have been her ideal place. But then Freddie had come and what had been a three day sanctuary became a two day prison. After Freddie had kissed her all she wanted was to be able to get out and be with him already. Now her mother had finally come and she was free._

_She had texted both Carly and Freddie that her mom had come and gotten her out and Sam had been tempted to go to Bushwell right away but she found herself feeling nervous at the thought of facing Freddie. What if he had changed his mind and he didn't want to go out with her after all? Most of all she was afraid that she was "bacon", that he only had feelings for her now because he knows that she likes him. _

_And so like a coward, Sam was hiding away again. She just wanted to hold that memory of that amazing kiss in her mind. Like it wasn't the only thing she had been thinking about for the past two days._

_Sam felt a sudden dip in the mattress and opened her eyes to see Frothy, who proceeded to curl up on her stomach._

"_Hey boy," she said, scratching his head. "Missed me? Sorry for bailing on you…"_

_She sat up suddenly, dislodging the cat from his comfortable position and making him hiss at her. She had left Frothy alone in the house for five days, who had fed him?_

"_Shit! I'm sorry Frothy. Let's go get you some food." _

_She stood up and lifted Frothy into her arms, cursing herself internally. She knew what it was like to be abandoned without notice, no money and no food. She couldn't believe that she'd do it to her cat._

_Sam set Frothy down near his feeding dish in the kitchen and went to the cupboard where she kept his food. To her surprise, it looked like a couple of the cans of cat food was missing. She looked down at Frothy, the food section of his dish was clean but there was some water in the other section that Frothy was now lapping up. There was no way that water could have lasted for five days._

_She looked into the garbage can but it was empty. She could have sworn that it was full when she had left. It looked like someone had been here and had fed Frothy and taken out their trash._

_It couldn't have been her mom. Pam was already in Mexico when Sam had left for Troubled Waters and hadn't been home since. She hadn't even gone into the house earlier, she had simply dropped Sam off and went off to God knows where. _

_Before Sam could contemplate it further, the doorbell rang. She figured it was Carly coming to check on her and rushed to answer it._

"_Hey, I was going to-" She started to say but stopped. It wasn't Carly on the other side of the door, it was Freddie._

"_Hi," he said, smiling at her._

"_Hi," she said._

"_I got your text. How does it feel to be free?"_

"_Pretty good. Though I will miss the quesadillas…"_

_He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck in a nervous gesture that made Sam's heart jump. _

"_Can I come in?" He asked._

_Inwardly Sam kicked herself for being so stupid and awkward that she'd make him just stand there on her doorstep. On the outside, she simply shrugged her shoulders and stepped aside, waving her arm in a grand 'come in' gesture._

"_Where's your mom?"_

"_Don't know. She just dropped me off and left. I think she was pissed that I cut her Mexico trip short."_

_Freddie looked at her incredulously. "She had to pick you up from a mental hospital and then she just leaves you here alone? She doesn't even try to talk to you about it?"_

"_You're still surprised at Pam's incompetence as a mother?"_

"_Sam I-" he starts to say but is cut off by Frothy suddenly limping in and nuzzling his ankles. Freddie knelt down and petted him._

_Sam looked at them, Frothy was purring happily and had even laid down. _

"_The chiz? Frothy hates you! And you hate him!"_

_Freddie looked up. "I never hated him. He just tried to bite or scratch me anytime I came near him so I kept my distance. And I guess he doesn't hate me anymore."_

_Sam's brain felt like it was breaking, this didn't make any sense. Frothy hated everyone except Sam. No one but her could get within a couple of feet him without him going bonkers and there was no way anyone could touch him. But now apparently he and Freddie had become BFF's in her absence. _

"_It was you," she said. "You fed Frothy."_

_Freddie stood up and stepped closer to her. "Yeah, uh, I kept coming over here after the lock-in. At first I thought that you had just locked yourself in your room or something but after the second day I thought I could hear Frothy in here going crazy. I used your spare key to get in, just to make sure that you really weren't here and when I saw that no one was home I fed Frothy. And I just kept coming back twice a day to feed him and give him water. I guess he started to like me once he saw me as the giver of food. But he did not like me being here the first couple of times, let me tell you." He rolled up his sleeve and showed a long red scratch mark on his forearm and he pulled down the collar of his shirt to reveal another angry looking scratch beneath his collar bone._

_Sam traced the mark gently with her finger without even realizing what she was doing. And then she was kissing him. And he was kissing her back and it was like the Troubled Waters kiss all over again except better because they were alone and they could kiss longer and then move to the couch and just keep kissing and this was all she wanted to do, just keep kissing him forever._

_Except that wasn't possible because they both needed to breathe._

"_Thank you…" She panted when they broke apart. "For feeding Frothy."_

"_I'll feed Frothy everyday if that's the thanks I get," Freddie grinned._

_Sam lightly hit him on the shoulder. He pressed his forehead to hers._

"_Go on a date with me," he said._

"_You're asking me out?"_

"_Yes, I am."_

_She pulled away and pretended to think about it._

"_Come on," Freddie said. "You'll make out with me but you won't go out with me?"_

"_You have to feed me."_

"_Of course, that's a given."_

"_And you can't make me do anything lame."_

"_Got it."_

"_So when is this date, Benson?"_

"_Tonight."_

"_Tonight? Short notice, don't you think?"_

"_I've been waiting two days, Sam. I can't wait any longer."_

_And of course she had to kiss him after that. And they just kept kissing._

* * *

><p>When Sam woke up, she was greeted by what was probably one of her least favorite sights in the world (and one that she maybe secretly missed, shut up), her sister looking back at her.<p>

She sat up abruptly, almost falling off the bed.

"Geez Mel!"

Melanie sat up as well.

"Hi Sam!" She hugged her and Sam reluctantly returned the hug, putting her arms loosely around her sister before pushing her off.

"Did you have to lie down and stare at me all creepily like that?"

"Well, I would lie down in my own bed except it's not here anymore."

Sam had traded in her and Mel's twin beds for a Queen sized one years ago.

"It's not like you're ever here to use it." Sam couldn't keep a trace of bitterness out of her voice. And of course Melanie heard it and pounced.

"Aww, I knew you missed me!" She grinned.

"Shut up. When did you get here?"

"Just half an hour ago. Mom picked me up at the airport but then she said she was going to Tim's place."

Sam rolled her eyes as she got out of bed. "Yeah, typical," she said as she made her way to the bathroom.

Melanie followed her and watched as Sam washed her face and brushed her teeth.

"She said we'll have dinner tonight though."

"Good luck with that," Sam scoffed. "Although considering you're perfect Melanie, she'll probably keep her word to you at least."

She shoved Melanie out of the doorway. "Get out, I have to pee."

"What are we going to do today?" Melanie asked through the door that Sam had shut in her face. A couple of minutes later Sam opened the door and walked out, Melanie following behind her like a lost puppy.

"What do you mean, what are we going to do? I'm going to school."

Melanie sat down on the bed and watched as Sam rifled through the dresser for clothes.

"But…You can't just leave me alone here," she said.

"Why not? You're not five, Mel. You won't burn down the house."

"Sam! I'm only here for three days and then I have to go to Stanford. I thought we could spend some time together."

"You shouldn't have come on a weekday then." Sam pulled a shirt over her head and then went over to the closet to take out her black leather jacket.

"Please Sam? Can't you ditch school just today? For me?" Melanie looked up at her with big eyes that would put Carly's 'please, for me?' face to shame.

Sam sighed. On the one hand, who was she to turn down an opportunity to ditch school? On the other hand, she didn't relish spending the entire day alone with her sister.

Before she could make up her mind either way, Melanie jumped up from the bed and circled around Sam, eyeing her up and down.

"That's what you're wearing to school?"

"Yeah, what of it?" Sam crossed her arms defensively.

"It's…You look really good," Melanie smiled at her. "You've changed your style, sis."

"What are you talking about?"

"Boot cut jeans, v-necked blouse, stylish yet badass motorcycle jacket. Sam, come on, you've definitely upgraded in the style department. The last time I was here, you were still wearing those hideous cargo pants and layered shirts. Oh I know!" Melanie's eyes lit up. "Let's go shopping!"

"Mel…" Sam groaned.

"Come on, It'll be fun!" She walked over to her purse and took out a wallet. "I swiped this from mom. I bet she has something in here that isn't maxed out yet."

Sam looked at her. "You stole mom's wallet?"

"Mmhmm…" Melanie smiled as she took out a handful of credit cards and spread them out like a fan in her hand.

Even though they were physically identical, Sam never looked at Melanie and saw herself. Their personalities were just so different that she even found it hard to believe that anyone who looked at them could see anything but two different people. But right now, it was almost frightening how she felt that looking at Melanie was like looking into a mirror. Perfect, goody two shoes, straight A's earning Melanie stealing from their mother? It seemed like she wasn't the only Puckett twin that had changed in the past two years.

"Fine, let's go," she said.

* * *

><p>Four hours later and a much needed stop at the food court, Sam had to admit she wasn't having a bad time. She could admit it to herself, at least. Not to her sister.<p>

Melanie was nibbling on a pizza while Sam attacked a platter of spaghetti with extra meatballs. Her phone buzzed and Sam took it out of her pocket to check the message.

"Who is it?" Melanie asked.

"Eh, it's just Freddie. He's been freaking out that I'm not in school."

"Is he the one that's been texting you all morning?"

"Yeah, he gets his panties in a bunch when I don't show up at school. He starts thinking I've been arrested or I checked in at a mental hospital again or whatever."

"When did you guys get back together?"

Sam nearly choked on her meatball.

"We're not back together," she coughed out.

"Oh. I guess I just assumed…"

"Why? Why would you assume that?"

"I don't know, maybe because he's been so worried about you that he's been texting and calling. And earlier this morning…" She looked at Sam hesitantly.

"What?" Sam demanded.

"Well, you were muttering his name in your sleep."

Sam felt her neck heating up and she knew she was blushing.

"You still like him, don't you?"

Sam put her full attention on her plate, pretending that she couldn't hear Melanie.

"Why don't you guys just get back together?"

Sam was deaf to this conversation.

"Why did you even break up?"

Sam cleaned off her plate and wiped off her mouth with a napkin. Melanie let out a breath in exasperation.

"Fine, don't answer me."

"Come on, Mel," Sam started gathering up their shopping bags. "We still have half the mall to cover."

"So Sam, when are you going to properly introduce me to Freddie?"

And just like that, the pleasant day she had been having with her sister was over. She knew it was too good to be true.


	5. Chapter 5

****A/N: Okay, I changed the summary a bit because I think I finally have a good idea of where I'm going with this. After this chapter we'll be digging into the meat of the plot. :)

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Four<strong>

_In the eight years that Sam and Carly have been best friends, the Shay apartment had become more of a home to Sam than her own home. Except for the times when she and Carly had had bad fights, Sam never felt uncomfortable or awkward in the apartment. But now she was standing outside the door to 8D and dreading going in._

_It was the first time she would be seeing Freddie after their midnight break-up and Sam was ashamed of the fact that her hands were shaking a bit. She didn't want to see him. Paradoxically, she wanted to see him so badly that it made her chest burn. She had managed to stay away from Bushwell for the entire weekend and had managed to successfully avoid him at school for that day. Principal Franklin was more than a little surprised at Sam's unscheduled, drop-in visit to his office during third period but if that was what it took to get out of the class she shared with Freddie then Sam had been willing to do it._

_But there was no way she could avoid this iCarly meeting, and it wasn't like she could avoid Freddie forever so she might as well bite the bullet now. And maybe she missed him, just a little bit. But it's not like she would ever admit to that._

_Sam took a deep breath and turned the door knob, walking into the apartment. And there he was, sitting in front of the computer. Only four days ago she would have greeted him by wrapping her arms around him from behind and resting her head on his shoulder, nuzzling his neck in that way that he loved. Four months ago she might have greeted him by throwing a paper ball at the back of his head. Now she didn't know what to do, how she was supposed to act._

"_Hi, Sam!" Carly waved from the kitchen._

_Freddie turned around and hesitantly smiled. It felt to Sam like her heart was being squished inside a big giant's hand but she kept her face expressionless as she acknowledged him with a nod._

"_You got any ham?" She asked Carly._

"_Why don't you come and see?" Carly said._

"_Don't tease me, Shay."_

_And just like that, Sam was walking past Freddie and into the kitchen. Like everything was normal. Like she didn't get everything she had been wishing for two years and lost it in a few hours inside of an elevator. _

_She knew how it had to be now. It had to be like their relationship had never happened._

* * *

><p>"Okay, come on, Mel. Carly's waiting…"<p>

Sam stopped and looked at the mess that was her room. Not that it wasn't usually messy but now it was like a tornado had blown through it. Clothes were strewn around everywhere, on the bed, on the floor, on her desk. Melanie's suitcase was completely empty and Sam's closet was nearly empty. And there was her sister, standing in front of the mirror and applying her make-up.

"Melanie! What did you do?"

"Hey Sam!" Melanie said brightly, her reflection grinning at her. "Sorry about the mess, I'll clean it up I swear."

She turned around and Sam got a good look at what she was wearing.

"That's my clothes!" She exclaimed. Melanie was wearing her jeans, her blue and white striped shirt, and brown jacket. To top it off, her hair that was normally straight and tied up in a neat ponytail was now hanging loose in soft waves. It was literally like Sam was staring into a full length mirror, and it creeped her out a little. She and Melanie hadn't done the let's-dress-exactly-alike twin thing since they were four and their mom actually gave a damn about how they looked.

"Okay, I'm sorry, don't be mad but I had to borrow something. I have a date tonight!"

"A date…" Sam sat down on a pile of clothes on the bed and rubbed her forehead. "I go to school and come back and somehow you have a date."

"Well, you didn't think I'd stay in the house all day, did you? That cat of yours might have found a way to kill me."

Sam smiled at the thought of her cat's viciousness. The two of them being twins didn't fool Frothy one bit, Melanie was subject to the same hatred and disdain that Frothy treated everyone to except Sam (and Freddie, but she didn't think about that).

"Why are you wearing my clothes?" Sam asked, getting back to the matter at hand. "Aren't your own clothes more date-like?"

"Not for this guy, I don't think…" Melanie said, twisting her hands nervously in front of her.

Sam narrowed her eyes. "It's not with Freddie, is it?" The words were out of her mouth before she had even thought about it.

"What? No," Melanie laughed. "When would I have even talked to him? He's been at school with you all day. Plus, you're deliberately keeping us away from each other." She sat down beside Sam and nudged her shoulder with her own.

"I am not," Sam defended. "I invited you to watch iCarly tonight, he'll be there."

"Carly invited me to watch iCarly. Tell her I'm sorry I can't make it."

"Who is this guy?"

"His name's Matt. We met at the drugstore when I was picking up Mom's ointment."

"And he asked you out anyway? This guy must be desperate."

Melanie shoved her. "He didn't see it!" She giggled.

"Mel, you're going to Stanford tomorrow."

"So?"

"Don't you think that if you're going to start dating someone then it should be at the place where you're going to be living for the next four years and not here in Seattle where you barely visit?"

"When did you become the voice of reason? I'm just having fun for a night, it's not like I'm going to marry the guy."

"As long as it's not Mom fun," Sam muttered under her breath as Melanie got up and started picking up the clothes.

The doorbell rang and Melanie squealed, dropping her armful of clothes. "He's here! How do I look?"

"Like me," Sam said.

"Good, good," she grabbed her purse and started throwing her make-up that was scattered on the dresser into it.

Sam got up. "Well, let's go meet the guy."

Melanie grabbed her arm. "No! No! You can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because if he sees you then he might not want to go out with me!"

Sam thought that her sister might really be losing her chiz. "We look exactly alike right now."

"Well, then, he might want both of us!"

"Who is this guy?" Sam asked incredulously, not really liking the sound of him.

"Please, Sam? Please just stay here?"

There was the puppy dog eyes again.

"Fine," she relented, rolling her own eyes.

"Thank you!" Melanie hugged her quickly and ran out of the room as the doorbell rang again.

Sam followed her, keeping her distance and peeking her head around the corner of the hallway as Melanie opened the front door.

The guy that stood there was not what Sam was expecting at all. He was tall and leather jacket clad, and looked older than them, eighteen or nineteen if Sam had to guess. His dark hair was in a buzz cut and he had stubble on his chin, an unlit cigarette dangled from his lips, completing the stereotypical 'bad boy' look. At first glance, he looked like someone that Sam herself might have once dated but he had such a poser look about him that she knew even back in her 'desperate-to-get-over-her-crush-on-Freddie' days, when she'd dated a string a losers that Carly had worried incessantly about, she never would have touched this guy with a six foot pole.

Sam watched as he put his arm around Melanie and the two of them left, closing the door behind them. She wondered what had gotten into her sister, she was acting so un-Melanie-like. Three years ago she would have been thrilled at her goody-two shoes sister turning into someone semi-cool, someone that she could actually talk to. But now she was just worried.

* * *

><p>"And I said, 'don't step on the flour' and she said, 'where are the flowers? I love flowers!'," Gibby laughed hysterically and Freddie tried to laugh along even though he didn't get the joke and was only half listening.<p>

He pushed open the door to the Groovy Smoothie and walked in, Gibby following behind him, still chuckling and muttering "I love flowers" to himself. He was on his way to the counter when a flash of blonde caught his eye and he turned to look at Sam in a corner booth with a guy in a leather jacket.

Gibby ran into him and nearly knocked him over since Freddie had stopped abruptly in the middle of the shop.

"Dude, what…" Gibby followed Freddie's gaze. "Whoa, looks like Sam's on a date."

Freddie's hands bunched into fists at his sides. He knew that she had been acting strange lately, that she and Carly had a secret that Sam refused to tell him, but he wouldn't have guessed that she was dating someone.

"No wonder she ran out so fast when the show ended," Gibby said, referring to how Sam had left Carly's place almost as soon as he had called "Clear" and put down his camera.

Freddie watched as Sam laughed at something the guy said and felt his blood boil. Gibby had left his side and had gone up to the counter to order a smoothie but Freddie couldn't make his feet move. Sam looked up and saw him and actually smiled and waved. The guy she was with took her hand and Sam turned her attention back to him, seemingly forgetting all about Freddie.

His feet did move then, they carried him out the door as out of the corner of his eye, he could see Sam's hair swing forward as she laughed again and the ache in his chest felt so big that even the cold, fresh air felt like knives that he was inhaling.

He always knew that Sam would move on, likely before he would, but he wasn't prepared for what it would feel like when it actually happened.

* * *

><p>She wasn't worried, Sam told herself as she paced around the living room. Melanie was a big girl, she lived on her own in a boarding school across the country, she could obviously take care of herself.<p>

But she really didn't like the look of that guy, plus Melanie had been acting so weird lately…Sam picked up Frothy and looked at the clock for the hundredth time in the past hour. 11:17.

This date was taking awfully long and when had she become the mom in this household?

Sam blew out a breath in frustration and shifted Frothy in one arm while she fished her phone out of her pocket and called the only person she knew who had experience with being this big of a worrywart.

"Hello?" A sleepy sounding Carly picked up.

"She's not home yet," Sam said.

"Sam?"

"Yeah yeah, it's me. Melanie's not home yet!"

"From her date? It's not even midnight yet."

"So you're saying I should wait until midnight to worry?"

"Aww…it's sweet that you're worried about your sister."

"Shay…" There was a warning tone in Sam's voice.

"I'm sure she's fine," Carly said.

"I knew I should have hired someone to follow her."

Carly laughed. "Don't you think you're overreacting? You haven't always liked some of the guys I dated and you've never had me followed."

Sam was silent, thinking about the time she had Germy trail Carly on a date. He didn't do anything, just watched from afar with binoculars and kept her informed that the guy wasn't trying any slimy moves on Carly.

"Sam? You've never had me followed, right?" Carly asked.

The front door opened then and Melanie walked in, all smiles.

"She's home, Carls. Gotta go," Sam hung up on Carly's protests. Frothy caught sight of Melanie and immediately started hissing and fussing in her arms. Sam put him down on the ground before he could try to jump and he went running off into the dark hallway.

"Aww, Sam, were you waiting up for me?" Melanie grinned.

"No, I was just talking to Carly and hanging out with Frothy."

"Uh-huh," Melanie took her hand and pulled her onto the couch.

"How was the date?" Sam asked.

"Great! I mean, I'm not going to see the guy again, obviously, but he was really interesting."

"He doesn't really seem like your type."

"Because you're the only twin who can date guys who've been to juvie? Before this year I would have said that nerds aren't _your_ type but you dated Freddie."

Sam's head was spinning. A guy with a juvie record? Did she and Melanie switch brains or something without her knowing? "How did Freddie get brought into this?" She asked.

"Well…" Melanie bit her lip and watched Sam's face carefully. "I saw him tonight."

Now Sam was feeling faint.

"I didn't talk to him or anything but he saw me on the date and I think he thought I was you."

"What…How…"

"It was at the Groovy Smoothie."

"Why were you at the Groovy Smoothie?"

Melanie shrugged. "I like their smoothies. Anyway, you might be interested to know that Freddie definitely looked jealous. I didn't know a person's face could turn that many shades of red…"

Sam felt her heart leap in an annoying way but kept her face blank. "Why would I care?"

"Because no matter what you say, dear sister, I know you're not over him. And he's obviously not over you."

"Stay out of my business, Melanie," she said, not wanting to feed the fluttering hope in her stomach.

Melanie raised her hands. "Okay, fine." She stood up and made to leave but a dawning realization was rising up in Sam as she looked up at her sister. Her sister that, at this moment, looked exactly like her.

She'd been underestimating Melanie. Underneath the sweetness and niceness she was still a Puckett. And Puckett's had devious minds and hidden agendas.

Sam stood up and faced her sister. "You did this on purpose!"

"Did what on purpose?" Melanie tried for the innocent look but Sam was all too familiar with the fake angel face, she'd used it a time or two herself.

"Dressing in my clothes, going on a date with a guy who should be my type and taking him to the Groovy Smoothie of all places. You wanted Freddie to see you. You wanted him to think it was me on that date."

Melanie had the gall to smile at her. "Okay, you figured me out."

"Why? Why would you do this?" Sam demanded.

"Because you weren't going to do it yourself! No matter what you say I know you're still in love with Freddie but for some reason you're not doing anything about it. He's a _boy_, Sam," she spit out the word boy like it was a bad word. "They're clueless. He's not going to make a move unless you do."

"I did make a move! I kissed him, I started the whole thing and it turned into a disaster!" Sam yelled, anger filling her bones. "And what makes you think that you can just come here and meddle in my life? Huh, Melanie? You call, like, once a month, you only visit every other year and now you're here for two freakin days and you think you're an expert on my love life?"

Melanie at least had the decency to look ashamed.

"You don't get to do this, Melanie," Sam continued. "You don't get to choose when you want to be my sister and when you want to pretend I don't exist. Stop messing with my life and just leave like you always do."

Melanie didn't just look ashamed now, she looked devastated and Sam couldn't look at it. She always hated it when Carly cried, a big part of it was that her heart couldn't stand to see her best friend so sad, and another part of it was that it reminded her of Melanie crying when they were young and how Sam had always felt an instinct to protect her, to shelter her from the cruel realities of their life.

"Sam, I…" Melanie tried to talk even with tears running down her cheeks but Sam simply walked away, retreating to her bedroom and the chaotic mess it was still in.


End file.
